Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Boys Getting Wet (Together!)

Theorizing Boy Bands: Boys Getting Wet (Together!)

The British-Irish boy band One Direction got me thinking about the possibility of constructing a grand unified theory of boy bands.  The pop sensation's new music video, entitled "What Makes you Beautiful," contains a telling scene in which the boys scatter and wet themselves in the ocean, flailing about with their arms fully extended as they perform the instinctual adolescent mating rites that drive prepubescent girls wild.

This of course got me thinking about how common wet boys have been in the advertising, posters, album covers, and music videos of boy bands across time and space.

Take, for example:

Exhibit A: N' Sync (Ready to get their wet on)

Exhibit B: The Backstreet Boys (Half Wet)

Exhibit C: Hanson (Fully Wet)

My research into this field has led me to propose an accurate, field tested formula to determine retardedness of any given boy band song.  To determine R (retardedness factor of a boy band song), simply Multiply B (number of boys in band) by W (the average percentage of each boy's body that is wet in the music video).  To this result, then add b (the number of times the band uses the word 'baby' in the song).  Hence, the universal formula to calculate boy band retardedness becomes R=BW+b.  Song results can range from a score of 1-3 (approaching retarded) to 4-6 (pretty retarded) to 7-9 (astoundingly retarded), to 10+ (jaw-droppingly retarded).

**Stay sexy, Boys**


  1. Couldn't have put it better myself sir! Lovely stuff.

    1. Chest bump/high five/ass slap (male bonding combo)!

  2. So one boy, totally submerged, bubbling "baby-baby-baby-" an infinite number of times, breaks the Retard-Barrier?

    1. Woah, is the world ready for that recursive loop of 'tard you just dropped on it, Uncle J?

  3. You are right, you definitely made me laugh :) and I really needed that tonight so thank you! You should now create the same formula for girl's band