Monday, February 4, 2013

Toilet Mic: Fun for the Whole Fam!


 
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Mic up that Toilet!

Ever wonder what your siblings, family, friends, and significant others do in the bathroom?  Mic up that Toilet (tm) is the solution!  For a small fee, an insanely creepy middle-aged man will arrive at your house and bug your toilet.  Just because he cares, we even promise that he will leave a huge burrito turd in your toilet for your and your family to admire--a conversation piece is on the house!* 

*Disclaimer: With Mic Up that Toilet, massive courtesy dump is no extra charge, every time, guaranteed.
 
Before you naysay, we urge you to spend a minute pondering all of the magical things you could do with one of our toilet mics.  Think of the hours of giggles that you'll be missing out on if you flush this opportunity goodbye.  Our happy clients have, for example, turned their one-of a-kind recordings into classic soundtracks of grandparents such as "Veteran Droppin' Bombs Again."  Easy listening for the commute to work!  Great replay value!  For even more fun, try Mic up that Litterbox for Kitties--we promise you'll be moved!

**Stay sexy, Crappers**

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Cat Shakespeare Co.


 
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Investment Opportunity: Cat Shakespeare Co.

Ladies and gentleman, do I have the investment opportunity of a lifetime for you!  Have you ever noticed that your high school English literature classes included nothing but dry, stale old books by men and women of different races, cultures, and sexualities . . . while simultaneously excluding all of the fresh and cutting-edge work written by cats?   This travesty must end now.  We must begin by teaching our children to read the classic works of distinguished cat authors around the globe. 

 'Cat fiction' is a booming and exciting new field of writing in which cats finally get to have their say (don't let this potential goldmine investment opportunity pass you by!).  For just one easy payment of $1,000, you can buy a share of Cat Shakespeare Co. (act now and get a free cat*)!  Our visionary cat writers create both epic conflicts (action-packed litter box turf wars), as well as steamy love stories (hot, cat-on-cat alleyway action).  Curious to see how many times the word meow can be used in a single novel?  We promise maximum meow factor.  Enjoy using all of your senses when reading?  Our books are 100% scratched-up, allergy-inducing, and hairball-filled, guaranteed.  What are you waiting for?  It's time to cat ear those pages!

*Disclaimer: Cat may lack basic immunizations.  Crazy cat diseases and cat attacks that are a result thereof are not the responsibility of Cat Shakespeare Co.

**Stay sexy, Cats**

Saturday, January 12, 2013

American Rental Cars: Your Own Personal Garbagecans!



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 How to Be an Asshole 101 Course:
American Rental Cars, Your Own Personal Garbagecans!

 The last time I rented a car, I accidentally left a tub of chilli-cheese fries to fester in the sun underneath the seat for a week, and still the rental car company did not charge me a thing or even raise an eyebrow as I checked out.  These companies do not seem to care about the condition that renters leave their cars' interiors.  My advice: use rental cars as your own personal garbagecans, just like you already do to movie theatres--just leave your crap everywhere for someone else to clean up!  The joy of throwing trash on the ground!  It gives you such an exhilarating king-for-a-day feeling of manly vigor, importance, and self-empowerment.

Think about the possibilities!  Leave behind unwanted neighborhood pets, old corroded batteries, fast food garbage, elderly relatives, crusty undergarments, and more!  You'll be on your way to being an asshole in no time. You'll have that extra spring in your step that only comes from making employees of major corporations who are paid minimum wage burn with an fiery inner rage that they will have to suppress in order to smile at you as you hand them over the keys.  You can even skip away as if nothing is wrong and the universe is all rainbows and unicorns.

**Stay sexy, Car Renters**

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Boys Getting Wet (Together!)



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Theorizing Boy Bands: Boys Getting Wet (Together!)

The British-Irish boy band One Direction got me thinking about the possibility of constructing a grand unified theory of boy bands.  The pop sensation's new music video, entitled "What Makes you Beautiful," contains a telling scene in which the boys scatter and wet themselves in the ocean, flailing about with their arms fully extended as they perform the instinctual adolescent mating rites that drive prepubescent girls wild.

This of course got me thinking about how common wet boys have been in the advertising, posters, album covers, and music videos of boy bands across time and space.

Take, for example:

Exhibit A: N' Sync (Ready to get their wet on)

Exhibit B: The Backstreet Boys (Half Wet)

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Exhibit C: Hanson (Fully Wet)



My research into this field has led me to propose an accurate, field tested formula to determine retardedness of any given boy band song.  To determine R (retardedness factor of a boy band song), simply Multiply B (number of boys in band) by W (the average percentage of each boy's body that is wet in the music video).  To this result, then add b (the number of times the band uses the word 'baby' in the song).  Hence, the universal formula to calculate boy band retardedness becomes R=BW+b.  Song results can range from a score of 1-3 (approaching retarded) to 4-6 (pretty retarded) to 7-9 (astoundingly retarded), to 10+ (jaw-droppingly retarded).

**Stay sexy, Boys**

Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Brave Little Dumpster and the Port-a-Potty Kid


 
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Movie Script Idea: The Brave Little Dumpster and the Port-a-Potty Kid

Pixar and Disney have gotten us all warm and fuzzy about appliances and other household items from the talking kitchenware and furnishings in Beauty and the Beast, to the adorable toys and dolls in Toy StoryYet, these feel good films are unjust--they have consistently left out garbage and sanitary receptacles from their animated casts of characters.  Wake up world! Toilets, dumpsters, urinals, and trashcans have lives that are just as interesting as clocks and tea kettles!  They deserve our attention and their foul-smelling day in the sun!

Admit it, you would cry your eyes out if you saw a dumpster tenderly embrace a port-a-potty to Roxette's "It Must Have Been Love."  Perhaps the dumpster, brimming with garbage, would cuddle up against the industrial grade plastic of the port-a-potty until the camera would slowly pan out on a magical alleyway scene: rats would form a heart-shape around the two lovers.  It would seem so right.  In addition to romance, there would be adventure--the rambling dumpster and his trusty female sidekick, the outhouse kid, would wrangle with unsanitary and unhygenic supervillains like The Man Who Disposed of Medical Waste in his Granny's Christmas Stocking.  In the end, our plucky heroes would wheel off into the sunset--the outhouse's door and the dumpster's lid waving goodbye in the wind. 

**Stay sexy, Dumpsters**

Friday, December 28, 2012

Jayscooting: Cart People, Exposed!


 
 

We are all very familiar with American tickets for jaywalking, they probably prevent injury or whateverWhat American society has not brought under control, however, is the epidemic of jayscooting plaguing the nation's thoroughfares.  While it does not see fair or just to give such slow-moving offenders tickets for jaywalking (they are clearly engaged in reckless acts of scooting, not walking), it also does not seem fair that they should slowly roll away from society's rules of the road with impunity.   

Hence, it would benefit American society greatly to institute new and stringent 'jayscooting' laws.  Whether illegally scooting across dangerous intersections to reach the local McDonalds or Burger King drive-through lanes faster, this rebellious class of cart people would be brought under control under such legislation--no more willy nilly freecarting shenanigans would be tolerated.  Toot a hoot for safe scoot!

**Stay sexy, Jayscooters**